I woke up this morning and had an urge to write a blogpost, funny really considering the last time I posted was in 2017, Dec 1st to be exact- seems to be this time of year that I overthink and all these feelings about my bag flood my brain all at once.
I often think so much about my bag and how people perceive me and others with them, do they think we are dirty? That we smell? That we are disgusting?
When I was single I often wondered how men would react about it, if they were grossed out by it, if I was attractive enough to be with, even though all it is, is a little bag on my stomach... I mean yeah it’s full of shit but then aren’t most men, so why should I care so much? I actually found that men aren’t bothered by it. I always worried that I would get a pity shag or a “Oi I shagged a girl with a shit bag” type brag, cos it’s not the norm. Is brag the right word? I’m not sure, you know what I mean.
Sleeping with someone new for the first time can be nerve wracking enough, especially if you don’t particularly like your body and have a bag of shite just hanging off your tum.
When I first started speaking to my boyfriend I dropped the “bombshell” as soon as possible, I wanted to get it out the way as I worried that it would be a problem, I dunno why I think this y’know, I think where I have a low opinion of myself I just assume others will too and they will be put off, so that’s why I needed to get it out there ASAP. Funny thing is he told me he knew about the bag anyway because he stalked my Instagram occasionally (This is cute right?).
it’s weird, sometimes I get so in my head I think I should be grateful that someone wants to be with me even though I have a bag, THIS SHOULDN'T EVEN MATTER! I piss myself off over thinking this shit. It is JUST a stoma bag, it’s not a big deal, it doesn’t make me any less loveable. I need to remember that my bag doesn’t even come into it.
When I first started blogging I was this positive, body confident person, I wanted to raise awareness and show that young people with bags are still confident and attractive- fast forward 7 years and I lost my confidence and started to hate my body and everything about myself, I was never one for talking about my feelings.. I still struggle now. I started therapy in 2017, I was very down, I struggled with my head and liking my body, I gained a little weight, which isn’t the end of the world but when you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and disgusting it’s really hard- add a shit bag to the mix and it makes things worse, you hate your body even more. I mean I’m speaking for myself here and not everyone with a stoma bag, however I do know people who feel a similar way, it really is a difficult thing to get used to, your body changes so much, it affects your mental health and I am sick to death of pretending that I am still this body posi person, I have low self esteem and it is draining. I am getting better with that though, I’m trying to be kinder to and about myself, with the help of my lovely IG stalker boyfriend.
I think the reason why I have constantly been thinking about my bag is because I’ve had a few issues with it recently. I keep having leaks and my skin is so sore. I had a really bad leak recently whilst I was walking to work, which resulted in me having to turn around and go home as it had seeped through my trousers and went everywhere, I cried all the way home. My skin has been so sore and itchy which makes me fuckin miserable. I know these issues are so minor in comparison to other people and their problems but fucking hell sometimes we can’t help but pity ourselves and wallow in misery. I think it’s the time of year as well, it’s difficult.
People hit me with the “you’re so brave” line, which is really kind of them but honestly, I’m not. It’s something I’ve had to get on and deal with. There are people who go through shit that’s so much worse who actually are brave, not me with my pain in the arse shitbag. I’m just grateful that it saved my life and made me feel better, now I’ve just got to work on being nicer about myself and my bag, WIP init.
P.S. vote labour on the 12th December, save the NHS, we NEED it, it’s amazing and sadly heavily underfunded. No normal working person can afford these life saving surgeries and treatments, it’s so important that we vote for a party that fucking cares and wants to help NORMAL people. Fuck the Tories, fuck whoever supports that shit. Bunch o’ cunts.
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