The worst blogger of the year award goes to... me

I woke up this morning and had an urge to write a blogpost, funny really considering the last time I posted was in 2017, Dec 1st to be exact- seems to be this time of year that I overthink and all these feelings about my bag flood my brain all at once.
I often think so much about my bag and how people perceive me and others with them, do they think we are dirty? That we smell? That we are disgusting?

When I was single I often wondered how men would react about it, if they were grossed out by it, if I was attractive enough to be with, even though all it is, is a little bag on my stomach... I mean yeah it’s full of shit but then aren’t most men, so why should I care so much? I actually found that men aren’t bothered by it. I always worried that I would get a pity shag or a “Oi I shagged a girl with a shit bag” type brag, cos it’s not the norm. Is brag the right word? I’m not sure, you know what I mean.
Sleeping with someone new for the first time can be nerve wracking enough, especially if you don’t particularly like your body and have a bag of shite just hanging off your tum.
When I first started speaking to my boyfriend I dropped the “bombshell” as soon as possible, I wanted to get it out the way as I worried that it would be a problem, I dunno why I think this y’know, I think where I have a low opinion of myself I just assume others will too and they will be put off, so that’s why I needed to get it out there ASAP. Funny thing is he told me he knew about the bag anyway because he stalked my Instagram occasionally (This is cute right?).
it’s weird, sometimes I get so in my head I think I should be grateful that someone wants to be with me even though I have a bag, THIS SHOULDN'T EVEN MATTER! I piss myself off over thinking this shit. It is JUST a stoma bag, it’s not a big deal, it doesn’t make me any less loveable. I need to remember that my bag doesn’t even come into it.

When I first started blogging I was this positive, body confident person, I wanted to raise awareness and show that young people with bags are still confident and attractive- fast forward 7 years and I lost my confidence and started to hate my body and everything about myself, I was never one for talking about my feelings.. I still struggle now. I started therapy in 2017, I was very down, I struggled with my head and liking my body, I gained a little weight, which isn’t the end of the world but when you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and disgusting it’s really hard- add a shit bag to the mix and it makes things worse, you hate your body even more. I mean I’m speaking for myself here and not everyone with a stoma bag, however I do know people who feel a similar way, it really is a difficult thing to get used to, your body changes so much, it affects your mental health and I am sick to death of pretending that I am still this body posi person, I have low self esteem and it is draining. I am getting better with that though, I’m trying to be kinder to and about myself, with the help of my lovely IG stalker boyfriend.

I think the reason why I have constantly been thinking about my bag is because I’ve had a few issues with it recently. I keep having leaks and my skin is so sore. I had a really bad leak recently whilst I was walking to work, which resulted in me having to turn around and go home as it had seeped through my trousers and went everywhere, I cried all the way home. My skin has been so sore and itchy which makes me fuckin miserable. I know these issues are so minor in comparison to other people and their problems but fucking hell sometimes we can’t help but pity ourselves and wallow in misery. I think it’s the time of year as well, it’s difficult.

People hit me with the “you’re so brave” line, which is really kind of them but honestly, I’m not. It’s something I’ve had to get on and deal with. There are people who go through shit that’s so much worse who actually are brave, not me with my pain in the arse shitbag. I’m just grateful that it saved my life and made me feel better, now I’ve just got to work on being nicer about myself and my bag, WIP init.

P.S. vote labour on the 12th December, save the NHS, we NEED it, it’s amazing and sadly heavily underfunded. No normal working person can afford these life saving surgeries and treatments, it’s so important that we vote for a party that fucking cares and wants to help NORMAL people. Fuck the Tories, fuck whoever supports that shit. Bunch o’ cunts.

World Ostomy Day 2015

Hey!

October 3rd marks World Ostomy Day 2015. This year there has been more media awareness about stomas and bags, much more than there was five years ago when I woke up from emergency, life saving surgery.  I was open about my bag from the get go- yeah I wallowed in self pity for fucking months, all through my month and a half in hospital and even when I was allowed to go home. I lost 4 stone and had to learn to walk again, all because my useless large intestine split and decided to kill me (FYI- I died on the operating table and the wonderful surgeon and doctors saved my life, shoutout to those amazing people and the NHS you wonderful things, you!)

My stoma is such an important part of my life, I had to learn to do things again and become comfortable with my body.. even after five years I'm still not 'there' yet, I have my off days, like everyone. A few months after surgery I had an interview with Bizarre Magazine and had a small piece in the 'Proud To Be Different' section, complete with photos- This was great for 2010 as I hadn't seen anything about bags before this, let alone something in an Alternative magazine.

Without my bag I would still spend most of my days in crippling pain, running to the toilet, feeling lethargic and trying to avoid having accidents. No one really knew I was having these issues, I tried my best to ignore symptoms and just get on with it, for years I ignored this and the end result is this. It's not the worst thing that could happen, yeah my time in Hospital wasn't the greatest but I am alive and well (most of the time) and have the Royal Berks Hospital to thank for that, as well as my bag. Thanks Krang, you're tha best.

Hi Guys,

I have been slacking MAJORLY- soz. I don't seem to do well with blogging..

I think I mentioned in a blog post waaaay back about how I wanted to lose weight and that I was gunna stop binging on junk food yadda yadda yadda- Yeah, that didn't go well. I have lost NOTHING, I may have gained weight more than anything. I have no motivation, curse my lazy self.

None of my clothes really fit me, my jeans have holes in the crotch (damn you Joni jeans, never buying you again) and I am confined to tube skirts and not much else. If anyone has any jean recommendations that would be wonderful! FYI, they have to be high waist jeans.

I have to say thought I HAVE been doing some exercises- dancing around to Wu Tang counts as exercise right? Booty jiggling and looking like a fucking nob is what I mean by dancing, by the way.

Seeing as my holiday is basically 3 weeks away, the weight loss isn't looking likely. I tried on my bikinis last night, can't wait for my fellow holiday goers to catch a glimpse of my butt eating my bikini bottoms..

A positive thing about my bag is I have been speaking to some new people who also have them, which is absolutely lovely! I came across a girl on Instagram (I found her via #getyourbellyout) last night. I have been posting more on my Tumblr too (www.prettygutless.tumblr.com) which has also resulting in me talking to new people and sharing our bag pictures, yay!

Share the bag love everyone!!

Hope everyone's well!

Enjoy Wu

xo

I Like Food, Food Is Good!

Hey!

I think everyone that knows me or follows my Instagram knows how much I love food. It was never really much of a problem until now.. well, it's not a massive problem but I'm just feeling a bit blah, as you know from my last blog post.

Today I got stuck in a dress in Topshop- for 15 minutes! I was pulling an upset pouty face whilst I snapped this btw (just so you can get the whole mood and setting of the photo)-

Fuck you size 10 dress, fuck you Topshop. It wasn't a nice dress anway. All that trouble for nothing. To be fair the biggest fuck you is to myself for even thinking I was still a size 10! Fuck You Caz.

I know there are bigger things to worry about in the world than my weight and my dress size, but I will be narcissistic here for a moment. I just don't feel comfortable in myself currently. I'm not large by any means, I am just bottom heavy.. which is not a bad thing in my book. I just don't enjoy my wobbly thighs. I just need more motivation and go to the gym more than once every two weeks..

Before having my Bag I was a size 10 with a cider belly. I was vegetarian nearing on vegan, I ate so well and wasn't worried about my weight, I don't think I ever really cared, I was too busy having a laugh and drinking every weekend, my cider belly made me laugh and I was loving Newbury town (lol why oh why).

I stopped being veg maybe 4 or 5 months after having the bag. If the bag wasn't there who knows if I'd still be vegetarian? 

Where I lost so much weight due to being ill, I saw it as an excuse to stuff my face with anything and everything I wanted. I gained the weight back a couple months later but I've just been stuffing myself since.

Now I don't work in H&M anymore and I'm not constantly running around on my feet I guess I've slowly just been gaining weight. I am a pizza lover, I could live off pizza. And burgers. And curry...

My diet completely changed after surgery, I wasn't allowed a lot of stuff I was so used to eating. Brown rice, brown bread, a whole lot of fibre, fruit and veg. 

I miss eating salads- they give me a blockage. It's pointless me even eating them anyway as I don't get the nutrients from them.

I haven't completely banished the greens though, I have lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber here and there, say in sandwiches but I can't eat a whole lot of it like I used to. I am wanting to try juicing though and I'm thinking about treating myself to a good juicer come pay day.

Eating healthy is something I want to be better at; I'm trying. I want to feel better in myself and by doing this I think I will. 

Anyone else attempting healthy eating? What about juicing?

xo

P.S. This is the song that's in my blog title. Descendents are my favourite band ever, check them out :)