10

10

Fucking hell, 10 years... 10 long years with this shit bag. I say long as if it's been a chore but it hasn't, I mean sometimes it's fucking annoying and shit (literally, bet you weren't expecting that) like tonight for example, I had a leak and I've now spent a good few hours crying about it, probably cos I am a fucking wet lettuce and boo over EVERYTHING. I swear once something makes you cry, you just can't stop. that was me this evening. also, the skin around my bag is so fucking sore I just want to fucking air it out to gain some kind of comfort, but what I will also gain is shit everywhere and I don't fancy that, thanks.

If you're new to my blogs you have probably notice a small amount of swearing... I type how I talk and I have a potty mouth, so you just have to deal with it (or do one).

I'm really shit with my blog as you can probably kind of tell. I used to be well into it but this was before I realised the IBD community is cliquey as shit so it kinda put me off. I lost the motivation to blog and it just fizzled out... so I come back every so often to shout my mouth off about my shit bag and bore you all to tears with my rambling.

Oi so 10 years ago on Jan 14th I was wheeled into theatre so they could see what the hell was going on with my guts, at this point I hadn't eaten in 10 days so I was skeletal and weak (bit of backstory- I had been in hospital since the 4th Jan, they didn't know what to bloody do with me, I wasn't having the greatest time of it, they thought starving me and then opening me up was the best thing to do) Cos I hadn't eaten in 10 days I was craving milkshakes so bad and bagels, pom bears too, all the good stuff clearly. A few days or a week after I had surgery my friends Amy & Amy came to visit me and bought me bagels and Philadelphia, life savers!! I was so thankful for this.

Anyway back to the surgery, I remember asking my surgeon if he was going to cut a massive square out of my stomach, dunno what his answer was cos I was lights out by this point. You're gonna think I'm doo-lally but I had this weeeird experience during surgery- I could hear loads of screaming and shouting, I felt like I was being pulled up by my neck and was choking on something, I thought my friends had come to get me and were trying to put a fag in my gob?! turns out I died on the operating table, so I dunno if this was some kind of weird near death experience thing?? I don't even know if I believe in all that stuff so fuck knows what was going on, was bloody weird though.

I remember waking up in ICU, it looked well cool from what I remember, like loads of blue lights, really dim and relaxing, somewhere I would happily chill out to be fair. I had a feeding tube and my wound was open, they were basically airing me out (as best they could with some bandage shit on my wound) cos my large intestine split and it made a bit of a mess. I think I was in there a few days. I remember my dad having to sign papers on my behalf in case I died. MENTAL. (I was so out of it for the entirety of my stay in hospital, I was on so many drugs and morphine which btw is fantastic, so I was hallucinating elves and pixies on my bedside cabinet).

Once I went back to an actual ward I had to have physiotherapy so I could learn to walk again, I was so thin and weak I really struggled to get going, it was really frustrating. I don't remember when they actually told me about the bag and what happened, I do know that I took it really fucking well, having a bag didn't phase me, I wasn't upset about having one, I didn't think 'this is the worst thing ever' bla bla, I fucking knew that this thing saved my life! It also helped knowing about colostomies and ileostomies even before my surgery, I think if I had no clue about them I would've taken a completely different turn.

I knew as soon as the drs gave me a leaflet about stomas that I wanted to help other people with theirs, mostly younger people as the leaflet was aimed at the older generation.. which is great for them but not a 21 year old woman! I wanted others my age with a stoma to still be able to feel good about themselves and maybe even be more confident than they were before the bag! That's why I started blogging. This was all before IG was even a thing so I couldn't go around searching hashtags and shit like that so I made a Tumblr blog and reached out to people.

I wont lie though, I have fucking hated my bag sometimes, my skin is so sore all of the time and it is prone to leaks, especially at the most inconvenient times, for example- on my way to work, it literally went all the way down my leg, soaked into my pants and seeped through so YOU COULD SEE THIS GIANT WET PATCH, EVERYWHERE! I was so pissed off I cried all the way home, I felt absolutely vile and dirty. Another example, my boyfriend and I were having sex and it decided this was the perfect time to leak, surprisingly not a mood killer... not sure if my boyfriend is secretly into shit or just likes me enough to deal with it hahah. It also leaked on the tube, fucking pain in the arse it is. I still like it though, it's great really.

There are times when I really wish I had a 'normal' stomach, one with no scars and no bag. I'm not the biggest fan of my body, who is really but I am trying to be kinder to myself. I should appreciate myself more, I know this. It all comes down to vanity really, I know deep down there's nothing wrong with my stomach, I had life saving surgery for fuck sake and I'm over here worrying about a few scars??? I know I'm stupid. The feeling comes in waves, half the time I couldn't give a fuck anyway.
I have to say though I can't think of anything worse than shitting out of my arse, it seems weird and alien to me now, I dunno how you normal people do it.

Thanks for reading my rambles.
Roll on the next 10 years with my stoma.

World Ostomy Day 2015

Hey!

October 3rd marks World Ostomy Day 2015. This year there has been more media awareness about stomas and bags, much more than there was five years ago when I woke up from emergency, life saving surgery.  I was open about my bag from the get go- yeah I wallowed in self pity for fucking months, all through my month and a half in hospital and even when I was allowed to go home. I lost 4 stone and had to learn to walk again, all because my useless large intestine split and decided to kill me (FYI- I died on the operating table and the wonderful surgeon and doctors saved my life, shoutout to those amazing people and the NHS you wonderful things, you!)

My stoma is such an important part of my life, I had to learn to do things again and become comfortable with my body.. even after five years I'm still not 'there' yet, I have my off days, like everyone. A few months after surgery I had an interview with Bizarre Magazine and had a small piece in the 'Proud To Be Different' section, complete with photos- This was great for 2010 as I hadn't seen anything about bags before this, let alone something in an Alternative magazine.

Without my bag I would still spend most of my days in crippling pain, running to the toilet, feeling lethargic and trying to avoid having accidents. No one really knew I was having these issues, I tried my best to ignore symptoms and just get on with it, for years I ignored this and the end result is this. It's not the worst thing that could happen, yeah my time in Hospital wasn't the greatest but I am alive and well (most of the time) and have the Royal Berks Hospital to thank for that, as well as my bag. Thanks Krang, you're tha best.

I Like Food, Food Is Good!

Hey!

I think everyone that knows me or follows my Instagram knows how much I love food. It was never really much of a problem until now.. well, it's not a massive problem but I'm just feeling a bit blah, as you know from my last blog post.

Today I got stuck in a dress in Topshop- for 15 minutes! I was pulling an upset pouty face whilst I snapped this btw (just so you can get the whole mood and setting of the photo)-

Fuck you size 10 dress, fuck you Topshop. It wasn't a nice dress anway. All that trouble for nothing. To be fair the biggest fuck you is to myself for even thinking I was still a size 10! Fuck You Caz.

I know there are bigger things to worry about in the world than my weight and my dress size, but I will be narcissistic here for a moment. I just don't feel comfortable in myself currently. I'm not large by any means, I am just bottom heavy.. which is not a bad thing in my book. I just don't enjoy my wobbly thighs. I just need more motivation and go to the gym more than once every two weeks..

Before having my Bag I was a size 10 with a cider belly. I was vegetarian nearing on vegan, I ate so well and wasn't worried about my weight, I don't think I ever really cared, I was too busy having a laugh and drinking every weekend, my cider belly made me laugh and I was loving Newbury town (lol why oh why).

I stopped being veg maybe 4 or 5 months after having the bag. If the bag wasn't there who knows if I'd still be vegetarian? 

Where I lost so much weight due to being ill, I saw it as an excuse to stuff my face with anything and everything I wanted. I gained the weight back a couple months later but I've just been stuffing myself since.

Now I don't work in H&M anymore and I'm not constantly running around on my feet I guess I've slowly just been gaining weight. I am a pizza lover, I could live off pizza. And burgers. And curry...

My diet completely changed after surgery, I wasn't allowed a lot of stuff I was so used to eating. Brown rice, brown bread, a whole lot of fibre, fruit and veg. 

I miss eating salads- they give me a blockage. It's pointless me even eating them anyway as I don't get the nutrients from them.

I haven't completely banished the greens though, I have lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber here and there, say in sandwiches but I can't eat a whole lot of it like I used to. I am wanting to try juicing though and I'm thinking about treating myself to a good juicer come pay day.

Eating healthy is something I want to be better at; I'm trying. I want to feel better in myself and by doing this I think I will. 

Anyone else attempting healthy eating? What about juicing?

xo

P.S. This is the song that's in my blog title. Descendents are my favourite band ever, check them out :)

When Sugar Turns To Shit

Check out my new bag!

Hiya, I thought today I would do kind of a, step by step guide on how I change my bag -  I get a lot of people asking me HOW my bag sticks on to me, what it looks like, how i change it yadda yadda yadda.

I took the opportunity earlier, seeing as my bag needed to be changed anyway; I thought why not, I'll take some pics.

Don't be too scared, you don't see any poop or my stoma at all haha. The reason being I feel a bit weird showing people my actual stoma, There's a select few who have seen it, but it makes me feel a bit squeamish. I can't even look at other peoples (I am on a 'bag group' on Facebook where a few just LOVE to show everyone, it makes me feel so faint, I can't handle it ahah!)

Okay so- This is my 'equipment' i guess- 

l-r: nappy sack (lol), wipes, adhesive remover spray, scissors and the bag itself!

 

This is the back of my bag, it's quite a structured bag as you can see (those of you who don't have a bag probably have no fucking clue what I'm talking about, but the ones I have previously used were completely flat backed and had no structure whatsoever -  resulting in leaks. a LOT of pooey leaks..)

All stomas are different shapes and sizes, fortunately I have a lovely round one which is about 25mm big, It makes cutting the bag a lot easier. Another thing about stomas in reference to sizing is how far out they protrude, I know of a few people whos don't stick out that much which can make it quite difficult for a comfortable bag fit. Mine sticks out quite nicely.. if that's even possible. So my bag sits comfortably on my body without it peeling off. 

I have also seen a few that have been really long, and stick out a hella lot, the thought of mine doing that terrifies me, imagine catching that on something... ARGH. I feel faint at the thought.. I'm a big ol' wimp okay?

Oh oh also, gotta be careful with the cutting- one time i accidentally cut a hole on the other side of the plastic, so i was leaking poo everywhere, it was only until i noticed a vile smell that i realised.. oops.

(I know I have a few beauty blogs following me, so excuse my nails ladies)

This is my extremely handy adhesive remover spray, I could NOT live without this... I have removed a bag without this before (i stupidly forgot it) and fucking hell, the pain! It was like peeling off your skin, ouch. 

I told you this would be a step by step ha! Here I am spraying the adhesive remover on. You may well even spot a bit of poop in the bag right there, sorryyyy.

 Now I apply a damp wipe and clear myself up. I always use warm water, and clean around the stoma; making sure I get it all clean and lovely. It feels so refreshing too!

Oh heyyy bag - This is my bag with the hole cut out and the sticky bit showing. I place the circle around my stoma, making sure it fits nicely - Sometimes the size can change due to dehydration and a blockage.

When you have a blockage the stoma can expand, I always change the bag and make the bigger so it's more comfortable. Nothing worse than an ill fitting bag - much like clothes ha.

Once it's on me then I run my fingers around the base to make sure it will be stuck firmly. I hold my hand over it for about 5 minutes, just to be sure :)

So there we go, a fresh bag!

oh yeah, cya old bag...

I hope that was kind of informative for you guys? Like i said though, every bag is different -  a lot of people don't even use the kinds I do, there's types where the base stays on your body and you just change the pouch, people also have internal bags.

I'm sure a few fellow bag buddies have different ways of changing theirs too, but I thought i'd throw my bit in there.

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend

xo 

P.S. Check out the Red Aunts, they're a punk band from California, if you're into bands like the Lunachicks, L7 etc they're worth listening to.

Body confidence and all that jazz

Having a bag doesn't mean you can't still feel and BE attractive.

There are so many females that have messaged me on my other blog who say they don't feel attractive/they feel disgusting, no no no no nooo. You are all wonderful people and can still feel and be attractive with the bag, it just may take time.

Yes there are so many pressures on women (and let's not forget the men too) to look this way and that way, all the magazines telling you, you have to look a certain way etc etc and all that bollocks, but fuck that. I have never ever wanted to look a certain way that any magazine or anyone else has told me to. 

Everybody and every body is different, you all know this anyway but you may need a little reminder here and there :) 

Having a bag doesn't stop you from doing anything, (apart from obviously pooping outta your bum) and it definitely doesn't stop you from being attractive - or desired; The day after I got out of hospital a skeletal, frail mess my boyfriend WANTED to have sex with me, I found it weird cos my eyebrows were growing back terribly, I had lost 4 stone and y'know I had a POO BAG so why the fuck would he even want to touch me?! 

It took me a good couple of months for it to get into my head that I wasn't disgusting. I always used to think to myself, 'what the hell is wrong with him, how can he find me attractive?!'.

I'm much more a fan of my body now, I feel more comfortable with myself. Before the bag I was constantly feeling lethargic and uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy getting naked with anyone and always felt self conscious. I just felt ill all the time, it wasn't pleasant. 

I mean, I still get self conscious from time to time but it's never to do with the bag; I'm just thankful that I feel SO much better. 

xo