Body confidence and all that jazz

Having a bag doesn't mean you can't still feel and BE attractive.

There are so many females that have messaged me on my other blog who say they don't feel attractive/they feel disgusting, no no no no nooo. You are all wonderful people and can still feel and be attractive with the bag, it just may take time.

Yes there are so many pressures on women (and let's not forget the men too) to look this way and that way, all the magazines telling you, you have to look a certain way etc etc and all that bollocks, but fuck that. I have never ever wanted to look a certain way that any magazine or anyone else has told me to. 

Everybody and every body is different, you all know this anyway but you may need a little reminder here and there :) 

Having a bag doesn't stop you from doing anything, (apart from obviously pooping outta your bum) and it definitely doesn't stop you from being attractive - or desired; The day after I got out of hospital a skeletal, frail mess my boyfriend WANTED to have sex with me, I found it weird cos my eyebrows were growing back terribly, I had lost 4 stone and y'know I had a POO BAG so why the fuck would he even want to touch me?! 

It took me a good couple of months for it to get into my head that I wasn't disgusting. I always used to think to myself, 'what the hell is wrong with him, how can he find me attractive?!'.

I'm much more a fan of my body now, I feel more comfortable with myself. Before the bag I was constantly feeling lethargic and uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy getting naked with anyone and always felt self conscious. I just felt ill all the time, it wasn't pleasant. 

I mean, I still get self conscious from time to time but it's never to do with the bag; I'm just thankful that I feel SO much better. 

xo

The day my guts exploded. literally.

Well, my large intestine anyway...

So this is my wicked diagram of what my large (or lack of) intestine looks like now.. not a whole lot going on to be fair. As you can see, I only have my rectum left, which my surgeon informed me is STAPLED DOWN.

I don't really know where to start with my illness; people assume that because I have the bag it means I must have Crohns, UC or any other kind of IBD but I don't, I had a 'useless intestine' which is what the doctors even said, after months of them trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why the hell I was even in this situation. They thought at first I had Hirchsprungs which had been dormant for years, but turns out I didn't. 

Hospital round one. August 2009
As long as I can remember I have always had tummy troubles. The dreaded feeling of either having constipation or diarrhoea all the time really was draining. I don't think there was ever a long period of time where I had a 'normal' bowel movement.
Me being me, ignored it a lot of the time. The docs put it down to irritable bowel, however bloody annoying it was it was NOT irritable bowel. They gave me tablets for it, which obviously did fuck all.. I was about 15 at this point? 

Let's fast forward five years.. okay, 20 years old - I damaged my spine lifting a HEAVY AS FUCK chair haha yes okay, ridiculous but I did!! A couple weeks later my legs kept going numb as I walked, hmmm odd I thought, what did I do? IGNORED. obviously.

A week or so after that I was at home one day and I needed a wee (remember at this point I was still having constipation/diarrhoea week after week) but I couldn't go; my bladder was so full but I just couldn't go- this is when I go to the doctors, yeah. Doc sends me off to A&E, they do a load of tests etc, (oh yeah during this point I have HORRENDOUS diarrhoea so yeah I can't piss but I can indeed poo everywhere, typical). xrays and all that, turns out I have spinal inflammation disease which has affected my nerves and my ability to wee, they put a catheter in, which really was a lovelyyyy sense of relief! 

I was in hospital for a week, feeling terrible, pooing and weeing here there and everywhere. The most ridiculous thing was I had to wear one of those tena lady nappies as I couldn't walk so was bedridden and pooping like a giant baby.

(I don't even care how disgusting and embarassing this is, this is what happened. I ain't sugar coating nuffin!)

Basically that was my first time in hospital and the doctors seem to think there is a link with that and what happened to me, with having a bag and everything.

Hospital round two. January 2010

Yeah this was the worst hospital experience of my entire life.

I'm most probably gunna be a rambling mess, a lot of these events were quite hazy to me as I was doped up on morphine a lot of the time but I shall do my best to explain!

A couple days after my 21st birthday I woke up with a swollen tummy, I looked like a starving child.. I couldn't move, was in horrendous pain and again, I couldn't wee! joy..

I rang my dad in hysterics, he had to come and get me and take me to A&E (we were there for 5 hours with me screaming like a wounded animal). 

From what I remember I was examined and I got put in CDU for a couple days, they tried to give me laxatives and stuff, which did fuck all. OH YEAH, they also wouldn't let me eat. I went 10 days without food; during this time I was moved to another ward, getting more and more exhausted. I think they also tried enemas on me, they didn't work. I remember having horrendous acid reflux and one night I vomited everywhere, they sent me for an emergency xray.. I remember this quite well, I was led there looking at the sea creatures painted on the wall, that was nice.

I'm pretty sure it was after that they explained to me that they were gunna open me up to see what was going on, I don't ever remember feeling scared - in all honesty I think I was too tired to even feel anything. 

On the 14th (I think) January I had major surgery. I died on the operating table and was in ICU for a week, I wasn't with it much but my Dad has told me quite a bit about it all.

Then I woke up with the bag. DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN