10

10

Fucking hell, 10 years... 10 long years with this shit bag. I say long as if it's been a chore but it hasn't, I mean sometimes it's fucking annoying and shit (literally, bet you weren't expecting that) like tonight for example, I had a leak and I've now spent a good few hours crying about it, probably cos I am a fucking wet lettuce and boo over EVERYTHING. I swear once something makes you cry, you just can't stop. that was me this evening. also, the skin around my bag is so fucking sore I just want to fucking air it out to gain some kind of comfort, but what I will also gain is shit everywhere and I don't fancy that, thanks.

If you're new to my blogs you have probably notice a small amount of swearing... I type how I talk and I have a potty mouth, so you just have to deal with it (or do one).

I'm really shit with my blog as you can probably kind of tell. I used to be well into it but this was before I realised the IBD community is cliquey as shit so it kinda put me off. I lost the motivation to blog and it just fizzled out... so I come back every so often to shout my mouth off about my shit bag and bore you all to tears with my rambling.

Oi so 10 years ago on Jan 14th I was wheeled into theatre so they could see what the hell was going on with my guts, at this point I hadn't eaten in 10 days so I was skeletal and weak (bit of backstory- I had been in hospital since the 4th Jan, they didn't know what to bloody do with me, I wasn't having the greatest time of it, they thought starving me and then opening me up was the best thing to do) Cos I hadn't eaten in 10 days I was craving milkshakes so bad and bagels, pom bears too, all the good stuff clearly. A few days or a week after I had surgery my friends Amy & Amy came to visit me and bought me bagels and Philadelphia, life savers!! I was so thankful for this.

Anyway back to the surgery, I remember asking my surgeon if he was going to cut a massive square out of my stomach, dunno what his answer was cos I was lights out by this point. You're gonna think I'm doo-lally but I had this weeeird experience during surgery- I could hear loads of screaming and shouting, I felt like I was being pulled up by my neck and was choking on something, I thought my friends had come to get me and were trying to put a fag in my gob?! turns out I died on the operating table, so I dunno if this was some kind of weird near death experience thing?? I don't even know if I believe in all that stuff so fuck knows what was going on, was bloody weird though.

I remember waking up in ICU, it looked well cool from what I remember, like loads of blue lights, really dim and relaxing, somewhere I would happily chill out to be fair. I had a feeding tube and my wound was open, they were basically airing me out (as best they could with some bandage shit on my wound) cos my large intestine split and it made a bit of a mess. I think I was in there a few days. I remember my dad having to sign papers on my behalf in case I died. MENTAL. (I was so out of it for the entirety of my stay in hospital, I was on so many drugs and morphine which btw is fantastic, so I was hallucinating elves and pixies on my bedside cabinet).

Once I went back to an actual ward I had to have physiotherapy so I could learn to walk again, I was so thin and weak I really struggled to get going, it was really frustrating. I don't remember when they actually told me about the bag and what happened, I do know that I took it really fucking well, having a bag didn't phase me, I wasn't upset about having one, I didn't think 'this is the worst thing ever' bla bla, I fucking knew that this thing saved my life! It also helped knowing about colostomies and ileostomies even before my surgery, I think if I had no clue about them I would've taken a completely different turn.

I knew as soon as the drs gave me a leaflet about stomas that I wanted to help other people with theirs, mostly younger people as the leaflet was aimed at the older generation.. which is great for them but not a 21 year old woman! I wanted others my age with a stoma to still be able to feel good about themselves and maybe even be more confident than they were before the bag! That's why I started blogging. This was all before IG was even a thing so I couldn't go around searching hashtags and shit like that so I made a Tumblr blog and reached out to people.

I wont lie though, I have fucking hated my bag sometimes, my skin is so sore all of the time and it is prone to leaks, especially at the most inconvenient times, for example- on my way to work, it literally went all the way down my leg, soaked into my pants and seeped through so YOU COULD SEE THIS GIANT WET PATCH, EVERYWHERE! I was so pissed off I cried all the way home, I felt absolutely vile and dirty. Another example, my boyfriend and I were having sex and it decided this was the perfect time to leak, surprisingly not a mood killer... not sure if my boyfriend is secretly into shit or just likes me enough to deal with it hahah. It also leaked on the tube, fucking pain in the arse it is. I still like it though, it's great really.

There are times when I really wish I had a 'normal' stomach, one with no scars and no bag. I'm not the biggest fan of my body, who is really but I am trying to be kinder to myself. I should appreciate myself more, I know this. It all comes down to vanity really, I know deep down there's nothing wrong with my stomach, I had life saving surgery for fuck sake and I'm over here worrying about a few scars??? I know I'm stupid. The feeling comes in waves, half the time I couldn't give a fuck anyway.
I have to say though I can't think of anything worse than shitting out of my arse, it seems weird and alien to me now, I dunno how you normal people do it.

Thanks for reading my rambles.
Roll on the next 10 years with my stoma.

Body confidence and all that jazz

Having a bag doesn't mean you can't still feel and BE attractive.

There are so many females that have messaged me on my other blog who say they don't feel attractive/they feel disgusting, no no no no nooo. You are all wonderful people and can still feel and be attractive with the bag, it just may take time.

Yes there are so many pressures on women (and let's not forget the men too) to look this way and that way, all the magazines telling you, you have to look a certain way etc etc and all that bollocks, but fuck that. I have never ever wanted to look a certain way that any magazine or anyone else has told me to. 

Everybody and every body is different, you all know this anyway but you may need a little reminder here and there :) 

Having a bag doesn't stop you from doing anything, (apart from obviously pooping outta your bum) and it definitely doesn't stop you from being attractive - or desired; The day after I got out of hospital a skeletal, frail mess my boyfriend WANTED to have sex with me, I found it weird cos my eyebrows were growing back terribly, I had lost 4 stone and y'know I had a POO BAG so why the fuck would he even want to touch me?! 

It took me a good couple of months for it to get into my head that I wasn't disgusting. I always used to think to myself, 'what the hell is wrong with him, how can he find me attractive?!'.

I'm much more a fan of my body now, I feel more comfortable with myself. Before the bag I was constantly feeling lethargic and uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy getting naked with anyone and always felt self conscious. I just felt ill all the time, it wasn't pleasant. 

I mean, I still get self conscious from time to time but it's never to do with the bag; I'm just thankful that I feel SO much better. 

xo

The day my guts exploded. literally.

Well, my large intestine anyway...

So this is my wicked diagram of what my large (or lack of) intestine looks like now.. not a whole lot going on to be fair. As you can see, I only have my rectum left, which my surgeon informed me is STAPLED DOWN.

I don't really know where to start with my illness; people assume that because I have the bag it means I must have Crohns, UC or any other kind of IBD but I don't, I had a 'useless intestine' which is what the doctors even said, after months of them trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why the hell I was even in this situation. They thought at first I had Hirchsprungs which had been dormant for years, but turns out I didn't. 

Hospital round one. August 2009
As long as I can remember I have always had tummy troubles. The dreaded feeling of either having constipation or diarrhoea all the time really was draining. I don't think there was ever a long period of time where I had a 'normal' bowel movement.
Me being me, ignored it a lot of the time. The docs put it down to irritable bowel, however bloody annoying it was it was NOT irritable bowel. They gave me tablets for it, which obviously did fuck all.. I was about 15 at this point? 

Let's fast forward five years.. okay, 20 years old - I damaged my spine lifting a HEAVY AS FUCK chair haha yes okay, ridiculous but I did!! A couple weeks later my legs kept going numb as I walked, hmmm odd I thought, what did I do? IGNORED. obviously.

A week or so after that I was at home one day and I needed a wee (remember at this point I was still having constipation/diarrhoea week after week) but I couldn't go; my bladder was so full but I just couldn't go- this is when I go to the doctors, yeah. Doc sends me off to A&E, they do a load of tests etc, (oh yeah during this point I have HORRENDOUS diarrhoea so yeah I can't piss but I can indeed poo everywhere, typical). xrays and all that, turns out I have spinal inflammation disease which has affected my nerves and my ability to wee, they put a catheter in, which really was a lovelyyyy sense of relief! 

I was in hospital for a week, feeling terrible, pooing and weeing here there and everywhere. The most ridiculous thing was I had to wear one of those tena lady nappies as I couldn't walk so was bedridden and pooping like a giant baby.

(I don't even care how disgusting and embarassing this is, this is what happened. I ain't sugar coating nuffin!)

Basically that was my first time in hospital and the doctors seem to think there is a link with that and what happened to me, with having a bag and everything.

Hospital round two. January 2010

Yeah this was the worst hospital experience of my entire life.

I'm most probably gunna be a rambling mess, a lot of these events were quite hazy to me as I was doped up on morphine a lot of the time but I shall do my best to explain!

A couple days after my 21st birthday I woke up with a swollen tummy, I looked like a starving child.. I couldn't move, was in horrendous pain and again, I couldn't wee! joy..

I rang my dad in hysterics, he had to come and get me and take me to A&E (we were there for 5 hours with me screaming like a wounded animal). 

From what I remember I was examined and I got put in CDU for a couple days, they tried to give me laxatives and stuff, which did fuck all. OH YEAH, they also wouldn't let me eat. I went 10 days without food; during this time I was moved to another ward, getting more and more exhausted. I think they also tried enemas on me, they didn't work. I remember having horrendous acid reflux and one night I vomited everywhere, they sent me for an emergency xray.. I remember this quite well, I was led there looking at the sea creatures painted on the wall, that was nice.

I'm pretty sure it was after that they explained to me that they were gunna open me up to see what was going on, I don't ever remember feeling scared - in all honesty I think I was too tired to even feel anything. 

On the 14th (I think) January I had major surgery. I died on the operating table and was in ICU for a week, I wasn't with it much but my Dad has told me quite a bit about it all.

Then I woke up with the bag. DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN

Ileostomy bags

Okay SO,

I am gunna post a photo of the bags I wear, I actually went through about 3 different types of bags to finally find a type that didn't split after bending down for like, 2 seconds. Absolutely ridiculous ay? 

This bag is a Coloplast maxi. The best thing about this bag is that the back of it is veryyy structured so there's less chance  of them splitting with the slightest movement, they're brilliant! I have been using these for about 3 years now. Thankfully I didn't suffer with the useless splitting bags for long as my stoma nurses were wonderful and sorted me out pretty quickly.

In the second picture you'll notice the hole on the back of the bag- this is the bit I place over my stoma, i have to cut around the 25mm line for it to fit.

I change my bag every 4-5 days or sometimes earlier.

I even have a pretty snazzy bag cover (forgive me for saying snazzy, it really did just slip out. but it is snazzy) which you can see here- 

I got the bag specially made for me, by a lady who makes them for children. I obviously had to have leopard print!